1.31.11

It was bound to happen. 


I had a really, incredibly, crappy day. And now margaritas are being consumed. Please, Freezing Rain Gods of Ice, let there be a 2-hour delay tomorrow. 


On this, the last day of my first month of intention setting...I suppose the blog is aptly titled then..."at least..."


Recall with me a few weeks ago when I had insane excitement (and a teensy bit of apprehension) over my student teacher, Carmela.


Since all signs pointed to my grandmother trying to speak to me, I was even more motivated to bring her in and show her the ropes.


I had envisioned giggling with her over lunches in which we cooked our favorite foods; I wanted her to make me Panamanian cuisine and tell me about where she is from; I saw myself getting teary when she left, exchanging Christmas cards for years and years, and well, being a fill-in grandma for awhile. 


Maybe we would meet for a lunch every July, and she would take my arm and I would guide her into a restaurant, like I did with my grandma (she was vision impaired for her last few years). She would give me a sweet baby gift (no, I'm not pregnant), and ask about my family. She would tell me about the book she just read, or the latest episode of Dancing with the Stars. We would speak French, share recipes, and laugh. 


Today we had to let Carmela go. She needs to move on to other things. 


I didn't cry about it until just now. 


I'm not sad about it; I'm not feeling guilty, nor am I angry. I have an intense feeling of relief regarding the situation.


It just occurred to me that more than anything, I miss my grandma. And somehow, I've let her down. 


So, wiping tears here, what's the lesson? 


The lesson is this: no matter how hard you intend and set forth and try, it doesn't always work out. The effort you give is always enough. People won't judge you for it, and if they do, time for a life cleanse. It's not your job to fix people. Show them a path and let them choose. Don't be offended when they don't choose what you set forth. And then--let it go. Let it all go. Take your experience and evolve, grow, be. 


So thank you, grandma, for giving me the confirmation that it's all okay, that I'm doing fine. That no matter the outcomes of my intentions, I'm still me, and true to myself.


February's intention is...