6.11.11

First of all, thank you so very much for your emails, texts, and kind thoughts in regards to last night's post. I am, once again, filled to the brim with love.


So, this little detour for which there is no GPS (thanks for that line, JL) ...


There's been a little kink in this year's European adventure.


The kink is, I don't want to go. 


I am very aware that these trips are amazing, that I'm fortunate to have these opportunities--for myself, but moreso for the kids. 


And yet, ever since the three-foot-tall love bug Will came into my life, my fear of leaving him has intensified. 


No, my fear of dying and leaving him behind and not being able to watch him grow has intensified.


Cue the barrage of anxiety attacks that have plagued me for the last three days.


My fear of flying is so great right now, that I haven't slept but a few hours in the last 48. I'm up all night, mind racing, breath shallow, tears in my eyes, unable to calm myself down.


That's right. The yogi can't calm herself down.


I am admitting defeat. It's like I'm a phony yogi. And therein lies my truest embarrassment.


I have been afraid to put much of anything pharmaceutical into my body in the last few years. I suppose you could say I've taken a more homeopathic route to cure my illnesses and anything else pertaining to the body.


So when a few sweet friends (and yogis!) convinced me yesterday morning that it would be totally appropriate to maybe take a Xanax (or 3) to bring some peace to my overwhelmed mind, it was all I needed to get me to the doctor.


And now here I sit, blogging to the world about it, one little anti-anxiety pill now floating around my blood stream, hopefully on its way to my brain to slow down the gears. 


I'm thinking that come next week, I will look back on my current embarrassment and laugh--I am probably joining millions of Americans (and maybe even a few yogis) who have resorted to something man-made to calm the nerves.


Last night, among friends, I continued to cry, and I did have those three toasts, but I also talked freely and openly about it. And just talking about it made me feel that...much...better.


And then this afternoon I learned that my amazing niece, who is traveling in Spain for the next several days as well, is on my returning flights from Barcelona to Cincinnati. An immediate wave of relief washed over me. I will have something familiar there--something one step closer to Will.


There you have it. The shamed yogi who needs a good dose of her own medicine. Or a medicine prescribed by a doctor. 


So thanks for listening. Thanks for comforting. Thanks for taking the detour with me. And if you are judging, thanks in advance for not telling me about it. :o)