3.29.11

As I enjoyed a bowl of strawberry oatmeal this morning, the two dingiest women on TV celebrated Boozeday (Tuesday) by interviewing a woman who wrote a book, Succeed Because of What You've Been Through. 

A few hours later, I had tonight's post waiting in my inbox. Sometimes the Universe hears us all too loudly and clearly.

This is from a beautiful friend. Knowing first hand all that she has been through, I am thrilled that she has chosen to share with all of you. Truly, she is on the path because of where she has been.

Here’s my story (the abridged version) and advice. I hope it helps someone.

Success – a word that has haunted me for years and has changed its form many times.
When I was quite small, success was making it to school on time and with all the rights things on. My mom worked nights, so many days I was left to get up, get out of bed, get dressed and get to school on time. There were days of backwards tights, mismatched ponytails, forgotten lunches and a less than stellar attendance record. It wasn’t all boo hoo--I mean, ironically, as an adult, these things still happen sometimes.
Then, as I got older, success was the ability to avoid being taunted by the kids at school and circumvent – at all costs – any negative attention. I was not very successful here at all and it affected my ability to like the person I saw in the mirror each day. But, I was lucky to have 3 really great friends who were my champions and confidants – like surrogate sisters. They made me feel safe and happy.
When college came around there was this opportunity for a real chrysalis: a change into a new person, or perhaps the person I was actually supposed to be. But my longing for a different kind of success kept getting in the way. College was also a chance to change my life, to get a degree and to make money, to not be the one without anymore. I’m a driven person, so I worked to pay my tuition. I did every activity known to the campus. I was popular (based on my subjective opinion) and I graduated with honors and with a job at graduation – success, right? So I thought. My overzealous goals and behavior left me with limited friendships, missed opportunities to grow, develop and mature, and worst of all, the desperation to have love so much that I settled for what was right in front of me and made myself believe it was wonderful.
I then continued the next several years to try to be successful at work and make money, and I think (again, in my subjective opinion) that I achieved – or am achieving – this goal. But, I didn’t learn from my collegiate mistakes. I did every project; took every trip; sacrificed weeknights, weekends, hobbies. I let my life be absorbed by someone else. Most importantly, I missed a lot. Again. And, I still have the insecurities that make the daily visit to the mirror very difficult.
They say that time brings patience and foresight. It has brought me some of both, but more so it has been the two together which have led me to reflect. 
This brings me to today (and the point of this story). In the past few years I have felt time pass me by – like a person standing still in the busiest street in Tokyo. And, might I assure you, that feeling is one of mild despair. So, I finally decided that in order to find balance, and more importantly, happiness, I needed to do what fulfilled me. But, when I looked, it was hard to know the answer to what exactly that was. In all of this life I had (or hadn’t) lived, I never took the opportunity to know myself. Seems so simple, right? How could you not know yourself? But I didn’t. 
So now I’ve embarked on a journey to know me. It’s no “Eat, Pray, Love” expedition, but it’s what I’m capable of and what is leading me.
I’ve read books, blogs and articles, and I created very open-ended topics that I answered. And, I actually spent time on it--really, really thought about it. Some answers came quickly and others took time. Some had 20 answers, others just 1 or 2, but all lead to 27 pages of me. These pages – filled with answers – have helped me to prioritize, know what is important to me, know what I can stop doing and leave behind in my life, and know what I can plan to do to for me going forward. It is a good step for me in my personal quest to find myself and happiness -- a result which I now understand is true success and the only success that really matters. And, I truly believe that once I start living a happier, fuller life, the person in the mirror will smile back at me.
In case they are of interest to you, these are the open-ended self-discovery topics I used: 
I feel _____, I like _____, I am _____, I want _____, I need _____, I hope for _____, I desire _____, I fear _____, I aspire to _____, I realize _____, I wish _____, I know _____, If I had to do it over I would _____, I feel calmness when _____, I can’t stand _____, I lack _____, I crave _____, I learned _____, I do _____ because I can’t continue _____, I can forgive myself for _____, I can leave behind _____, I can quit _____, I find happiness in _____